Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Sick and Tired


Sorry to keep you all waiting, but finally here's the longer version...

Holland had a rocky Easter Sunday. We could tell that she wasn't feeling great all day. She took a long nap during the afternoon, and when she woke up she was coughing constantly, and seemed much more lethargic and out of it than usual. She barely ate anything all day, and wasn't drinking all of her normal bottles. She ended up going to bed okay, but awoke in the night coughing, and never really got to sleep again. We brought her to our bed and gave her treatments about every 2 hours. I called the doctor's office, and took her in on Monday afternoon.

At the pediatrician's office she was satting between 88-92. We did a treatment at the office, but it didn't help at all, and she stayed around 92, so the doctor sent us to the ER for another chest xray. When we got to the ER she was satting 83, and only came up to about 90 following three treatments in a row, so they decided to admit her AGAIN.


Initially, like last week, Holland refused to wear a nasal cannula, so we were trying to give her blow by O2, and occasionally she would wear a mask while watching a video. This week, Holland's sats are not staying up, even when she is awake. When we take the O2 away, she drops to between 88-92 right away. When she is sleeping, it goes even lower into the 80s. The first night John and I took shifts staying awake with her to blow the O2 on her face.

Finally yesterday evening, she was in a decent enough mood to try the cannula again, and she has been wearing it since. This makes it a lot easier for us to get a little more rest. Now I am able to sleep slightly better knowing that her O2 will stay on her face.

Yesterday, I thought today would be a better day. Unfortunately, Holland had a pretty rough day. She was VERY tired and lethargic, and only spent a few hours awake. Her face has been very flushed and sweaty. She has been as ornery as can be, and doesn't want anyone to touch her except for me, and maybe her dad. She cries when people enter the room, and tries to hit anyone who touches her. Today it seemed like she didn't even have the energy to be as mean as she wants to be. She didn't even want to play in the "hallway." We have been watching videos nonstop. In response to my fears, the doctor came in to see her again this evening, and increased her breathing treatments from every 4-6 hours, to every 2. We'll see if that makes any difference.


My intuition is telling me that something is not right. I have been solid and calm for the past few days, but the stress and lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I took a break this evening when John got home from work, and cried the whole way to my mom's house. I had a dream last night that Holland had to be put on a vent. I know logically that this probably WON'T happen, but it is a big fear looming in my overactive imagination. I don't think I can handle it if that happens. I don't even know how I possibly survived 110 days in the NICU, but now feel like I am near my breaking point. This is nothing compared to that. But still. Haven't we been through enough? Will it ever end?

I feel bad for Eden. I know she is in GREAT hands with my mom and dad, but I worry that she feels like we abandoned her. When I stopped to check in on her this evening she was happy, had eaten great all day, and was zooming around the kitchen in her walker. I don't know why I feel so bad about leaving her. I guess I miss her. And I worry that she misses me, and her sis.


The doctor today said we'll be at the hospital for at least another 48 hours. That would put us out on Friday. I seriously doubt it. The way things look right now, I can't imagine being home before next Wednesday. Who knows though. I guess today could have been her bad day, and tomorrow she'll turn the corner. Stranger things have happened. We've made it this far, haven't we?

Sorry if this post seems overly negative. It probably isn't as bad as I make it sound. Watch, they'll discharge her on Friday, and you all will think I am a neurotic mess! But hey, any of you who have spent more than a night or two in the hospital with a very sick kid know how I feel... It's not much fun. I'm stressed. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

So, so sorry Billie. Thinking of you and your girls.

Mel said...

I'm so sorry that Holly isn't doing well. I hope things improve fast and you can bring her home. Take care of yourself too!

Sammie said...

Sorry you guys are having such a rough time. and I understand where you are coming from. Even if your mind knows it is irrational you can't help it. the whole time Nate was in the hospital for RSV in feb-march i kept having flashbacks and fears of the NICU time we had already done.. I had been diagnosed with post traumatic stress from it all and had to go on meds again for it! So talk to someone if you need too! I'll kieep praying for you guys!

Anonymous said...

Billie,
I'm so sorry Holland doesn't seem to be getting better. I'll be praying for her to get better, and that you will find peace. I hope you can bring Holland home on Friday! Thinking of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Dear Billie,

So sorry to hear about the setback this week. I am praying for Holland to get better quick, for you & John to get some rest and for Eden to get her mommy and sister back as soon as possible. The hospital is just such a horrible place to be but on the other hand we all need them for handling medical events that would make us go crazy handling them by ourselves at home...it's a really hard place to be. Get some rest, which I know is hard to do at a time like this, but do try, even if it is going outside for some fresh air. All of you have been through so much already, praying for this to be resolve fast!

AK

Jodi said...

My heart truly aches for you Billie. I have every finger crossed that Holly makes a speedy recover for good! With love, Jodi and Thomas
xxxx

The Guinn Triplets said...

Poor Holland and poor you.

Lots of prayers coming your way!

Sarah said...

I've been following your blog for a while and your girls are both just precious. I'm so sorry to hear Holland is back in the hospital. I'll keep your family in my thoughts and pray you are able to d/c on Friday.

Anonymous said...

So sorry that Holland is still in the hospital. I am thinking of you guys and like you said, hopefully she will turn a corner tomorrow.

Amy

Anonymous said...

Take care of yourselves. I hope holland feels better soon. She seems like a tough little girl...

Lisa said...

Sending out get well vibes and lots of good thoughts for Holland and you family. I hope things turn around quickly and she is home on Friday.

I hate that your Mommy intuition is telling you something isn't right. Hopefully it is the exhaustion you are hearing. Try to take care of yourself as much as you can.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you all, and wishing things change for the better soon. my heart goes out to you. give miss hollie a little hug from me.

love,lis

abby said...

I was sorry to hear that Holland is having such a hard time of things. I'm hoping that whatever is causing all of her breathing difficulties (like the underlying infection, fluid build up etc) passes and that she begins to return to her feisty self (I'd really like to see her hit some doctors again; I think that would be wonderfully therapeutic...LOL). But seriously, we're thinking a lot about you guys and hoping that Hollie is on the mend and that the rest of you get some rest.

Anonymous said...

get well soon holland

love from
jil graham and morgan

sarahfurlough said...

Billie, I am so sorry that Holland is sick. I can't even imagine the stress you are under. I will keep praying for Holland and you and JOhn. I am so glad Eden is doing well at your parents. Try to get some rest when you can!

Kristin said...

Hope things turn around for Holly today and she begins to feel better. Billie, your worries are not irrational, your girls and your family have been through so much the past 2 1/2 years and things like this bring back those yucky NICU feelings. Try to get some rest (easier said than done) and hopefully things will look brighter today!!!
Praying for all of you
Kristin

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear you guys are having such a rough time. I hope and pray she starts getting better really soon and you can bring her home. Don't worry about Eden, I think we miss them way more than they miss us and she's with your mom so you couldn't possibly ask for someone better to take care of her. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you all,
Kelly in Canada

Heather said...

Big hugs for you! And lots of prayers for Holland. I hope she gets better and out Friday like the doctors hope. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Angela said...

I hope she's on the mend asap. I can tell she's not feeling well in those pics...sweet thing. Give her a hug from us and know we're thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Sending Holland and you and your whole family our best wishes from NYC. It's hard not to think that this is just unfair after you've been through so much! Try to take care of yourself and don't forget that the Internet is pulling for you all.

Cybill said...

Geesh...poor Holly and poor mommie! If there is anything I can do (drop a meal off to your house, etc) PLEASE feel free to email me...I'm just accross the street...Cybill (doubledinks)

Cybill said...

Geesh...poor Holly and poor mommie and daddy. Seriously, if there is ANYTHING I can do to help you guys out (drop off a meal, run to the store, etc) PLEASE feel free to email me...I'm just across the street.
Remember...it takes a village.
--Cybill (doubledinks) (PCMOM)

Anonymous said...

Feel better soon Holland...

Anonymous said...

Get well soon Hollie! Billie please take care of yourself too!

marleysmom said...

Billie and John, I am sooooo sorry to hear you are back in the hospital with Holly. We have racked up many hours in the hospital and all the hours of uncertainty. If there is anything that we can do or if you need to talk please call me. I know the place that you are in right now. Things will get better. It is hard when doctors aren't very clear with things either. Ask lots and lots of questions if you need to. We will pray that Holly gets better soon and that you get the strength you need right now.
Love you guys and hope to see you at bowling.

Kbreints said...

Gosh Darn it! All these sick kids! I had my 2 month old in the hospital recently and I truly feel your pain. I hope that you all get to feeling better soon. And do not worry about Eden. My other Son was with my parents and I was worried about him-- my mom said "I am sorry, but he did not ask for you!" I think tha tyou naturallu worry about both when one is not doing well.

Sheri said...

Hi! You don't know me, but I wanted to say that we will keep you and the entire family in our prayers! Hang in there.....

Shannon said...

Keeping everybody in my thoughts and hoping Holland is better ASAP.

Hechung said...

I've been praying for sweet Holly and hoping that she feels better very soon. I don't think you should ever feel you have to apologize for being negative. Whenever I read about you and your family, the joy, hope and love shine through during both difficult times and good ones. Major Hugs and Kisses to everyone.

amy said...

I have been a lurker for a long time and just want to comment to say how sorry I am that this is happening. Our little family will be thinking of you and hope that both your girls are home with you soon.

Anonymous said...

Love to you all....Miss Holly you need to get better! Billie, I'm thinking Eden is in heaven spending her days with your parents...Grandma and Grandpa time, what could be better!? Relax about that part.
Please take care of yourself in the meantime...you too John.
Love,
Jules

Kim said...

You know, even if Holland IS discharged tomorrow, no one would think you are a neurotic mom. We'd think, as we already do, that you are a wonderful mom who has been through some horribly traumatic experiences with her kids, whom she fiercely loves and has sworn to protect--be it from man, animal or microorganism.

I hope that Holly does turn that corner soon--I'll be praying for it!

23wktwins'mommy said...

Thinking of Holland and you all. I am so sorry she is in the hospital again...you're right you've been through enough...I hope she is home very soon!