Just a shadow of what I was,
Less than that of what I thought I could be.
This is something I jotted down on a piece of paper when the girls were in the NICU. It was stuck in my head for a long time. I thought I was moving on, but lately it's back and I'm feeling kinda lost, and well, just blah.
I think it has to do with the new year. You know, a new year, a fresh start, and new beginning...all that jazz. I'm just not feeling it this year.
I feel like I've lost myself. Where am I? Who am I? How did I get here?
I don't like the person that I see myself becoming, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm so sad. I feel like I am carrying a huge cloud of gloom over my head. There is always so much work to be done, and I'm not good at doing any of it. I'm tired.
I think about what my NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION should be, and the list is so long that it is overwhelming.
I need to eat more vegetables.
I need to keep up with my housekeeping.
I need to cook more.
I need to spend less time on the computer.
I need to drink more water.
I need to spend more time each day working on Eden's PT...get her in her stander, get her in the Creepster, do more stretches, more tummy time, more time in her Benik.
I need to keep up with the grocery shopping.
I need to shower at LEAST every other day...I mean, come on.
I need to quit sleeping in with the girls. If I got up an hour or so before them I could get so much more accomplished.
I need to go to bed earlier.
I need to be a better friend. At least RETURN my phone messages.
I need to answer the phone.
I need to quit procrastinating about making appointments.
I need to start thinking about preschool and researching our options.
I need to get out more often.
I need more time for myself.
I start thinking about all of these things, and I get so irritated. Who MAKES these rules? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I put so much pressure on myself to be so perfect? Why do I care so much about what other people think?
I can't do it all.
The worst part of all of this, is not all the petty things that I don't want to do, it's that I am not sure I like the sadder, more introspective, heavy-hearted person I am becoming. I long for days past, when I felt so much lighter, without a care in the world. When I could rejoice with the people in my life, and share in their happiness, rather than always feeling that stab of nagging jealousy for what I will never have. I don't want to feel this way. Will it ever go away? Will I ever feel like myself again?
My life is SO busy now. I am always taking care of someone else. Always worrying about making other people happy. I feel so guilty for the snippits of time that I get for myself.
I feel selfish for wanting so much time to myself. I feel sad, and guilty for feeling sad.