Monday, September 22, 2008

The Question of More

Ok, so I did bring it up. I brought it up because it's on my mind. A lot.

I thought I might delve a little deeper into the subject because I am sure I/we are not alone. John and I have a very difficult time talking rationally on the subject of having more kids. I am hesitant to post about it, because I don't want to put words in his mouth, or paint an inaccurate picture regarding his feelings on the issue.

I think what it boils down to, is that while I desperately want to have another baby, he is very, very afraid.

John is an "in the moment" kind of guy. He doesn't even think about what he wants to do tomorrow, let alone how he wants his life to look 20 years from now. He tends to put much more thought into the potentially bad things that might happen than I ever have, and sometimes the fear that he has of the unknown is immobilizing.

Pretty much every major step forward that we have made in our lives since high school has been a direct result of my planning. I planned where we would go to college. I planned when we would get married, where we would live, every major vacation, when we would buy a house, and when we would have kids. I have dragged him along, for better or worse, kicking and screaming every step of the way (not literally), and in the end he usually thanks me for it.

The plus to being the planner, is that when things go well you get to take all the credit. The downside is that when things do not turn out the way you plan, you end up taking the heat. Like, for example, when you get pregnant with twins born 16 weeks early. Now, John would never come right out and tell me that he blames me for how our lives have changed since having our kids. He may not even think it. He doesn't have to, because I do a fine job of it all on my own.

The thing is this... I have come to a place where I am feeling a little more at peace. I don't feel sad and guilty all the time anymore. I look at my children, and I see two perfectly delightful little girls, who seem to be relatively well-adjusted and happy. I look at our family and I see that we are functioning fairly well. We have bad days where everyone is grumpy and short-tempered and generally difficult to get along with, and we have great days where we are well-connected, lovable, and having tons of fun together. And, like everyone else, we have many, many just kinda in-between normal days.

John would say, "why would you screw it up just when it's getting good." I would say, "now that it's so good, I want MORE."

The truth of the matter is that I am used to getting what I want. John has said to me many times, "You're going to do what you want anyway, so why even ask me." I admit it. But this is just something that I don't feel like I can do anyway. I don't want to do it by myself. If we are going to do it, I want him to support me 100%. Being pregnant again would be terrifying for me as well, and I would need someone to help me carry that fear. If things went badly, I would need someone to share the pain with me. I can't do it on my own.

Ultimately I do not know what caused my premature labor with Holland and Eden. I do know that it was NOT related to blood pressure, diabetes, or incompetent cervix (things that tend to recur in subsequent pregnancies). Though I did NOT have an infection when I was admitted to the hospital, I did have a UTI earlier in the month that I believe may have triggered something. I also know that, being pregnant with twin, my uterus was growing quite rapidly, which may also have been a contributing factor. In addition, I was going to the gym and working out regularly, which is fine in most normal pregnancies, but if I were already in labor without knowing it, certainly couldn't have been the best thing for me to be doing.

I've had four long years to ponder these factors, to think about and research what I might do differently the next time around. There are a lot of options, and while I certainly know that there are NO guarantees, I think the chances are pretty good that we could manage the next pregnancy differently, and have a much less stressful outcome for all involved.

Yes, I know that having another baby would be a lot of work, that it would change our family dynamic in unpredictable ways, and that there would be days I would wonder "what the hell was I thinking." But in the long run, I think there's a good chance it would be worth the worry and the stress and the risk.

Some things in life are just worth fighting for.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Right?


47 comments:

Lily's Dad said...

Billie,

We think adding a new character to your story would be great! You guys are wonderful parents, and any new child would be lucky to be born into your family.

Talk it over with John. Better yet, talk it over with the whole family. Your girls are probably old enough to understand some of the challenges of a new pregnancy and a new baby, as well as the good stuff.

Kendra's mom said...

I have had the exact same dilemma. My husband is way too scared of possible problems, not with prematurity or possible disability but of early death. I don't know if we would survive that again. I don't know how something like that would affect my son. And yet, when I see him with other babies and toddlers... He is so good with them. Yet he is already 9 and it is really hard coping with his school problems without having to think about another small life. So, logically I think I have convinced myself that having another baby (esp since I would be 41 when the baby was born if I fell pregnant now) is not a good idea, there is still that feeling of what if....

Linda said...

Oh, such a tough call. Of course I don't regret adding C to our family~she completes it and now I feel totally done. On the other hand, A was on board with having another baby if it happened. And he's on board with not having any more.

Honestly, I think this is a situation where one partner cannot choose for both. I think you both need to be in agreement, even if the less planning oriented partner just says, "Yeah, alright, sounds good."

Sammie said...

Randy and I are the opposite.. we are both too scared to try again... we have thought of doing foster care/adoption down the road though as we would love one more child... just too scared to do it on our own!

hugs to you guys!

Justinich Family said...

It is hard. I really wanted another one after Evan. I had two boys and wanted to try to have a girl. First it was wait until he is 2years, well things were crazy then and my husband said he did not want anymore, and I thought maybe I could convince him. Well, I finally came to the acceptance that I will not have more, it is just not the right time and I will be past age 35 when the time is right. Anyway, I can totally understand that John would be scared especially since you don't have a reason. But the next time around I am sure you will be more in tune to your body and be able to catch the warning signs that perhaps you did not notice with the girls and you will probably only be pregnant with one. I also agree that you have to have him on board to go ahead with it. Good luck, and I think your post was done very well.
Stacy J from CP moms

Sarah said...

This is possibly the best and worst day for you to be making me think about these things.

There was a point a couple of months ago when I was SO READY to rip out my IUD myself and try for another one. But that was just the hormones talking.

Logically, I never really wanted more than one child. And M, like John, is skittish on the best days. We have used up our kid-karma AND THEN SOME. And while I know we would do everything we could to prevent a second extremely premature delivery, when our logical brains are on, we don't want to risk it.

Maybe we'll adopt some day. But right now, we just really don't want to mess up the awesome status quo.

Look What A Bargain said...

I would say go for it, simply because if you do get to experience a full term pregnancy, birth and baby, it will be an experience not to be missed. You deserve that!

Anonymous said...

Billie,

It is very understandable that you and John would be fearful of another pregnancy, but like you said, you can't let the fear immobolize you. You could walk out the front door today and get hit by a bus. I guess that's the thing about life, you never know what's going to happen. So, follow your heart and just live your life and if you want another baby go for it!! Don't have any regrets that you should have and didn't!

Anonymous said...

Tell John: Bigger boobs and a** if you get pregnant again.

Stacy said...

Oh Billie, I feel your pain. T&M are about the same age as H&E. I'm at the stage where I really would love to have another baby - but I'm just to unsure of the unknown.

If I could have ONE, FULL TERM, HEALTHY child - I'd go for it. But, I'm just too scared at this point of another early birth, another liver transplant, etc...

Anonymous said...

Your personality mix is identical to ours. I am the planner and my husband lives in the moment. Our son is only 2 years old and there are still a lot of unknowns. Plus, we are OLD and I think our window of opportunity is shut closed - even though we adopted. I have been thinking about adopting another baby because I watch my son interact with other kids and he has such a great time. But my husband and I don't really feel driven in our hearts to have another child. I think that's the big difference for you - because you have that desire in your heart. I personally mourn not having more children, but I have to face facts and accept that we are too old to add more. (I'm 45) You're smart and lucky to have the gift of time to make the right decision for your family.

Melissa said...

Billie-
I think that part of John's worries, aside from the obvious fear of "what if it all happens all over again" is whether or not he can handle H & E without you being a the top of your game for a while. What if you need to be on bedrest for some time, to ensure that you have a healthy, full term baby? What if he has to take over most of their day to day care? I know that he adores them, and he is a superb, fantastic dad, and that he would instantly and readily step up and take over, but maybe some of his fear is coming from that scenario, also.
Also, since you had spontaneous twins, without the use of any fertility drugs, you are more prone to conceiving twins again. (Some women simply ovulate two eggs instead of one!) For most people, two sets of twins would be overwhelming, but throwing in the added complications of prematurity and it becomes something else entirely.
I am not advocating one decision or another. I think the bottom line is that you and John are fantastic parents, and any additional child you might have would be a blessing. Your family is full of love and hope and wonder, and to add to that would be nothing short of miraculous. However, I also have to agree with John that there is much to consider.......

I wish you luck with your decision.

Mamá Terapeuta said...

As the other mom's, is the same story here.

Check out about 'joint hypermobility'. I found out 4 year after that I have it and it causes many things, among them are miscarriage and pregnancy issues.

Hope some day I'll jump to the pool again and so would you guys!!!

Rachel said...

Billie,

I have never been in your situation, so I cant tell you how you or John feels, but I can see it from both angles.

I would be scared too...like John is, however, you can't be afraid of something until you try.

Not all pregnancies are the same. I've had 4. Yes, I'm done now...but I did it 4 times. Each and every one was different. You never know! This one could be PERFECT.

I agree with above comments though...you can NOT make this decision alone and John should be 100% ready before you do it.

Sit him down, read him our comments and tell him It will be worth it. Maybe he can have a son. Wouldn't that be special?

Good luck! I would love for you to have another one and see the pictures. You guys do one thing right and that is make beautiful kids.

Rachel

Vickie said...

Well Billie,

I sit here reading your blog, when I should be planning for the next day of classes. There aren't enough hours in the day to tell my story right now, but I'll give you the short of it, since you've pretty much lived it. I also have twins who were born at 26 weeks. One twin currently has no issues related to her prematurity other than being "petite", the second one has had almost every problem that goes along with prematurity and is still vented at at the age of three, with no indication as to whether or not she'll ever come off. My husband and I also thought long and hard about having another one. In this case I was "John" and my husband was "Billie". I was totally frightened at what might happen, and wasn't really willing to try, or risk anything. We then began to talk about the possibility of adoption and were about to seriously look into it, when...surprise! I was pregnant! My husband was estatic and I was horrified, well actually more terrified than anything. Once I overcame my fear, I was able to experience the joy of being pregnant. I didn't worry about the first three months of the pregnancy I worried about getting past the first six. When tests were done to find out if anything was wrong, my true feelings came out. What was the point in having the tests, I wouldn't end the pregnancy, if there was something wrong. I celebrated milestones that other women don't when they are pregnant. I celebrated when I reached twenty-five weeks and wasn't admitted to the hospital, 26weeks and one day, the baby was now older than the girls when they were born, 28 weeks the chances of survival just sky rocketed, 32 weeks I was breathing easy, 39 weeks and 4 days, a beautiful 7lbs 7ozs bouncing baby girl! Is it hard, yes! Is it tiring, yes! Is it worthwhile, no doubt about it, definitely yes!!! Fortunately for me it just happened, if I had spent too much time thinking about who knows what would have happened. I try not to think about the fact that I get up at five thirty, after a having been woken up in the night, report to the nurse what's been going on with one child, drop the other two off at the babysitter, drive 45 minutes to work, teach all day, plan my days by coordinating the kids schedule, dr appointments, my work schedule, my husbands work, schedule, and our nursing schedule, come home eat,spent time with the kids, get them ready for bed, go to bed myself, and then start all over again. If I thought about it I'd go crazy, I just do it! I've decided that I'm going to live each day as it comes. Each day that comes I thank God that I have three beautiful daughters, a good husband, the help of family and friends, a good job and a place to come home to, not everyone can say that. Sometimes I think we worry too much about what could be, and don't take the time to enjoy what is.

Thanks again Billie for sharing your thoughts and feelings, and for letting us share ours.

Vickie

Mel said...

Billie-

Listen to your heart!

I guess if we are going to play the "what if" game while making these life altering decisions we should remember to consider this one...

What if another child completes your family?

Your an awesome Mom and I admire you.

Kim said...

I've heard it said that the third child is the best... Don't know that I believe that but Mitch is awfully sweet!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog often and comment from time to time. My little guy is 2.5 and I think about having another baby often...but the trauma of the first pregnancy/birth/NICU stay is often more than I can bare. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it all again...and my husband is even more terrified (much like yours). I don't have wisdom...just a 'me too'.

Lindsay said...

I know I don't know you but I have commented on your site before and I have kept up with your beautiful girls. I too had a 24 weeker (15 ounces, 5 months in the NICU) and we are going thru the same thing that you are with having another baby. My husband sounds just like your husband in all the aspects and I am like you with it all. It is such a hard decision. I always say I wish it would just happen because that way it's not planned and I don't have to think about it......but easier said than done right??? Well, good luck with the decision. If you ever want to chat about it, please feel free. It's nice to know someone is in your shoes too!

Kendra Lynn said...

Its a hard decision to make. After Kelsey's birth, Scott was the one that said he didn't want me to get pregnant again...he realized how traumatic even a normal birth can be, and it scared him silly! No matter what the outcome, pregnancy is a risk and a joy...you will make the right decision...but no matter what that decision is, you have a beautiful family right here, right now.

Love you.
Kendra

Anonymous said...

Billy,
Lurking Preemie-Mom here. I usually just read because I have become attached to your family and your story.

I just want to say that I think there is nothing more wonderful than being open to life, and putting yourself "out there" for the beautiful possibilities that exist with every new child. You have a kind and loving heart, and it is natural to want more children. You are a great Mom to your sweet girls. I will pray that God will lead you and John together to the best decision for your family. Keep up the GREAT work. Your self-sacrifice is an inspiration!

krissy said...

Billie, I think it is very normal to worry with what you have been through. I worried when I was delivering Haley, wondering and hoping more than anything that she would just be healthy. We don't ever know what the future holds. Whether it be an untimely death of someone we know who is perfectly healthy or a job loss, or any other such thing. We cannot predict our future. We just enjoy life, live each moment for what it is. If you never go out on the limb you cant get to the fruit. Life is always full of the unexpected. If you don't take a chance you will always wonder.

Bird said...

Clearly there is no perfect answer to this question. I had a perfectly normal pregnancy that went to term and resulted in a baby that was clinging to life. After heart failure and a couple of strokes we realized that things would not be simple at my house. Still. . . we plan to have more than one and I relish the idea of raising another child. Will I do things differently? Of course--I plan on having a gyno and a fetal health specialist. Is it a guarantee? Of course not, but parethood never is.

Anonymous said...

What about making a consult appointment with a maternal/fetal medicine specialist, just to talk? Just to put some of your medical-risk fears out there on the table?

Miranda said...

You've been given a lot of wonderful advice and I hope that you and John can come to an agreement, that brings you both happiness and fulfillment.

(Personally, I believe you and John have more than enough love needed to raise another baby, and would suggest giving H&E a baby brother or sister... but I'm still in baby-bliss mode with my own little boy, and the idea of having 5 or 6 kiddos doesn't scare me right now :P)

Claudia Patricia said...

Hello:
I am a breast lationamericana of the premature extreme one of 28 weeks, which it she has at this moment 13 months and with a diagnosis of cerebral paralysis.
I am 36 years old and wish very much a new baby, my husband this one so shy or mas that her,. I feel great a sorrow and pain. I write to you, I want to tell that when I read everything what you feel, I really feel identificsated with you.

I hope that God and the life give us the pleasure of being mothers again. An embrace and a kiss for so pretty girls

sarai said...

Billie,

I understand. I did all the kid planning, too....and then....well, our preemie outcome was not as good as yours....

I simply HAD to try again. My husband, whom I love dearly, and is a wonderful father, (we have an older child as well) was NEVER going to get to the point where he could fully embrace the idea, but he was supportive enough to let me do it.....

It just had to be enough for me to know he would be a great father to the baby after it was born. I had to deal with the fact that I would need to enlist the help of others to get through my pregnancy. It turns out, we got pg a little before we were both ready, but we got through it. I did not take him to every OB appointment. I let him deal with it at his own pace, on his own time. Meanwhile, I had my own support network.

We had a term baby, beautiful, and healthy. but the story did not end there -- we went through more rough years as our son displayed exhausting, irritable, repetitive, and dangerous impulsive behavior, to the point people were asking me if he was autistic. He was not, and outgrew it, now he is five, and in kindergarten, and doing well. But I did feel guilty as we all struggled from ages 1-3. I did not push for a third living child, and we are officially over childbearing years.

Looking back, I have no regrets. We celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary, and he remains a wonderful husband and father. But that does not erase the hard parts to which there were no easy answers.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bille,

There are so many of us there who feel your pain and longing. My husband and I both want another baby but we're terrified. All of your innocence gets stolen when you have a premature or critically ill child. Sometimes I wonder if I want another baby simply to recapture those wonderful moments of joy during the early part of my pregnancy. Please let us know if you and John come to some peace with a decision.

Anonymous said...

Love, love, love your story and your family!! Just let me say this...I had two preemie children (our first passed away after being born at 23 weeks, my second preemie baby was born less than a year later at 28 weeks both due to PPROm) I VERY UNEXPECTEDLY became pregnant again a few months after our second child and my OB sent me straight to the Perinatologist. Terrified for 9 months, I ended up giving birth to a full term 10 pound baby boy! Let me just say this, I know you consulted with a midwife during your pregnancy with the girls..given your history,if you do decide to go for another child PLEASE PLEASE do not see a midwife (they didn't even know you were pregnant with twins!!!) See a specialist or at least an OB who can consult with one. I honestly feel you will be getting more comprehensive care this way. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I had 23 week twin boys in March 2006. My baby B did not make it. Fortunately, I my baby A, Tyler, is a thriving two year old. My husband and I couldn't even think about the possiblility of going through that experience again. As fate would have it, we didn't get the opportunity to think about, weigh the options and fret over the decision to have another child. I found myself pregnant - ready or not. My second pregnancy went very smoothly and I delivered a healthy baby - full term - in March 2008. No hiccups, no problems...not to say that I did worry and stress over the possiblitity of it happening again. I did find myself relying heavily that God would carry me through the pregnancy and He did.

Amy said...

Aahhh...the big dilemma. Chris and I had this talk just night before last. He has been anti-having more since B&B were born. When we first met, he wanted three. When we married he wanted two or three. After the terrifying premature-birth-NICU-stay experience, he has never wavered from keeping our family as is. Never. Not even during long, heartfelt talks about why I would like one more. He is much like John in that he is fearful that something could happen and he doesn't feel like he could go through that harrowing experience again. (Also, we were infertile and experienced an ectopic pregnancy before conceiving B&B).

My feelings are this: I would not do fertility treatments again, but if we got pregnant naturally, I would be overjoyed. I do not feel like our family is incomplete, nor do I sit around yearning for another child. I can full accept that we are done. But I would be thrilled if we weren't.

However, when the subject of scheduling the vasectomy comes up (which he agreed to long ago and, at least in theory, still wants to do), he never follows through. So a small part of me thinks maybe he's not as strong in his conviction to be "done" as he claims.

It's just not easy, is it?

abby said...

We obviously had to plan our second pregnancy and it was a hugely scary thing for me to do. We are just getting to a point with Hallie where things are pretty good most of the time and the idea of upsetting that is so troubling to me, especially if there are any complications this time around (and we're just entering into the most complicated period in the last pregnancy). Still, I think in our case the biggest factor was our intense desire to try to provide Hallie with a sibling here on earth -- she will always be a twin, and having another baby in no way can replace Olivia in our lives and hearts but Sharon has such an intense bond with her older sister (our girls will be about the same age apart as Sharon and Laura are if everything goes well) that it seemed wrong not to try. If anything, god help us, goes wrong this time around, I'm not sure what we'll do, but we're keeping our fingers crossed.

I can't say that we were ready to make this decision though---the biological timeclock in our case was the biggest determining factor in why we tried this again when we did.

Jennifer said...

Hi Billie,

I was exactly where you are this time last year - we couldn't 'make up our mind'. I knew I wanted another child but after having Arianna at 28 weeks, for no known reason, we were very scared.

I, like you, am the planner but my husband isn't exactly like John in that he was adamant about not adding to our family. He's very passive about anything until it directly affects him - so he was ok with trying again until we were successful (in our case, first try! ha!)

Our pregnancy with our now 5 week old was very hard for many more reasons than you can think of. I was such a wreck starting at 18 weeks - I was in the ER 8 times between that point and 34 weeks because I was convinced that something was wrong. I needed constant reassurance that everything was ok.

One thing this did was stress us out but it did get me extra special treatment and our little lady arrived 2 days short of full term after 6 weeks of bedrest (they discovered my cervix shortened suddenly at 27 weeks... again)

Anyway, my point is, there isn't anything you can do to make this decision any easier, you have to accept that things may go wrong - we had decide what our limits were, agree to them and find an OB/hospital who aligned with us and got lots of help from family/friends.

With the new treatment available you have a very good chance of having a good outcome in a subsequent pregnancy - you've been through it all so you know what to expect and demand. Just know that if you question anything to DEMAND extra attention.

I'm very happy (ok, ecstatic) with our outcome. Today, at 5 weeks 4 days, we got our first smile. Best thing I could have gotten all day - even with the colic and sleepless nights - its totally worth it.

The Buckley Family said...

So many people ask us if we are done and my response is always that we don't know. We are like you and are younger, and I feel that I would love to have a "normal" pregnancy and a "normal" birth experience, ideally bringing the baby home from the hospital with me!

Ultimately, I know I won't be ready until the babies are at least 2-3 years old and we know that we've give them (mostly Annabel with her mild hemiplegia) every opportunity possible to do everything that she can. I just feel that the babies and us went thru so much that they deserve full attention for awhile. You are at that point where you know you've given the girls your all to get them where they are developmentally (and of course will continue) and you should feel so proud of that and if you and John are comfortable trying again I think it'd be wonderful for you family!

Jamie

Kellars Mommy said...

I could have written this same post 2 days ago while cleaning out Kellars closet and sorting through all the stained baby bibs and his soft cuddly blankets. I found myself sitting there just bawling as I held the blanket and then looked over at him playing on his horse, I have had this desire to have another baby but this fear that I have is real, it's there and there is this part of me that tells me to be thankful for what I have, I have a son who has blessed my life beyond measure, he's doing all that we were told he never would and I worry that if I were to get pg it may not be this way again! Since losing Cameron I think of what life would be like w/2 little boys running around here, I do want Kellar to have a sibling but not only are we scared but my whole family is totally freaked out just thinking about it! You will make the right decision..

Kate said...

I'm of the belief that if God put the desire for another baby into your heart, there's a reason for it.

Yes, it's scary to ponder the unknowns & the "what if's", but ultimately, when all is said & done, there are no guarantees in life. I would trust that if God gives you a child, He'll equip you to take care of that child, regardless of what that child needs. He always has done so for me.

One other thing ~ I do not believe that your seeing midwives had ANYTHING to do with delivering H&E prematurely. There are many women who don't find out they're expecting twins until they're past 20 weeks! Also, going to a perinatologist isn't a guarantee of anything. With my last pregnancy (baby #7), I saw the peri every month and he NEVER picked up on the fact that my child had a form of spina bifida that would require him to be flown 300 miles away for surgery after his birth. Oops! Also, I was under the care of a perinatologist for my twin pregnancy and I still spent 2 weeks in the hospital prior to their premature birth. Again, having "comprehensive care" didn't guarantee a full-term pregnancy. If I am ever lucky enough to have another baby, I'm absolutely going to use a midwife and I want to encourage you to go with whoever you are comfortable with, as well. ((( hugs )))

God bless you as you embark on this new journey.

Anonymous said...

I appreciated your post. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. We never imagined only having one child. But we went through 4 years of infertility and then got pregnant ( without medical intervention). We had a baby girl at 25 weeks due to a blood infection. She had PDA surgery and also had bi-lateral brain bleeds grades 4 & 2. She survived her prematurity and blood infection and spent 3 mos in the NICU.
She has multiple disabilities ( left hemi CP, completely non-verbal, sensory issues, motor -planning issues, and is on the Autism spectrum).
We were in our late thirties when our child was born.
We wanted more children but time was not on our side.
When our daughter was 3yrs - we were very proactive in wanting to make our decision with a clear head and not just be reactive to a 2nd pregnancy. Both of us went to have a consult to talk over our situation with the OB/GYN. This was extremely HELPFUL.
The doctor just explained what he would do - but he didn't try to sway us one direction or another.
But it was a reality check to hear
"the goal would be to get to 28wks"
and probably bedrest at week 16.
Every family has different amounts of resources and situations. We do not have a lot of help from our aging parents.........
So, we prayed and took TIME to figure out what was right for us.

It is a tough situation to be in -but in time - you & John will know what is right for your family.
Thank you for sharing your heart.

Sarah Furlough said...

Billie:

I know your heart on this issue. After having L & C so early (with no explanation), and subsequently losing Logan, my fears of another pregnancy were almost more than I could manage. I also knew I desperately wanted Cooper to have a sibling to grow up with. I also, selfishly wanted to experience a "normal" pregnancy (whatever that means).

As you know, Libbie was born by induction 2 days shy of her due date. She was born on my birthday, and was simply one of the most perfect little souls I have ever seen.

That being said, you know full well what a wreck I was throughout my entire pregnancy. I worried, I cried, I stressed. I made several trips to triage. But once she arrived, everything we had gone through in the previous 9 months were worth it.

I can't promise that things will be easy, that you won't stress. But I can tell you, you have more support than you can fathom. And, if you decide to have another baby, it will be very blessed to have such an amazing mother!

Jacqui said...

Hi Billie,

I guess I'm lucky in that I know why Moo was born early. I also knew what the risks were of it happening again (less than 5%) but it was still a very stressful pregnancy with Sumo.

We were also expecting the nice easy baby (seeing as though we had some previous experience with parenting). Boy, did we get that wrong. I look at him and think how can he be so different to the other boys - that is, when I'm not chasing after him, retrieving something from him, pulling him off the counter or furniture, stopping him from turning the fans/lights off and on etc.

I guess my point is that you can only plan so much. Sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Good luck to you and John with making this decision. I know that it is a difficult decision to make.

Jacqui

Anonymous said...

understanding your worries....i had a 26 week granddaughter who will be 9 this jan, last year while my daughter was on the Patch became pregnent. she delivered a full term baby boy in dec who is the light of their lives. things can and do turn out for the good some times........

Anonymous said...

I do hope your husband never sees ''John and Kate+8'';-) I too would like a third after two girls and not so openly wish for one healthy baby. That is because my husband agrees (isn't that something?) but it is I that have that desire since the day my second is born so I do feel like I am initiating it.
On the other hand, I meant to give you Dr Toomey's number for feeding issues, it is the great SOS Approach to feeding, you could ask if they know of a clinic using the approach in your area? (303)759-5316

Cassi said...

You are such a brave and selfless person! After all that you have been through and given of yourself, you have the desire to bring another life in this world and have more than enough love for him/her. What a wonderful gift to H&E - a precious baby sibling. I'll send up prayers for peace for both of you in making your decision.

Anonymous said...

We had this dilemma too. We have daughter who is 3 and was born prematurly. She has CP and is very similar to Eden in her skill level. We debated about having another baby with both of us saying it might just do us in to have the same situation happen again. However we decided to risk it and luckily got pregnant right away before we changed our minds. When I told my husband his first reaction was to cry saying he was so afraid of having to go through what we went through last time. Happily though I have made it to 35 weeks so far with a baby who appears to be perfectly healthy. I say go for it, there is a lot they will do differently this time to prevent a premature birth. Also since you had twins the first time I would guess you wouldn't be that high risk with a single baby. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Billie and John

I stumbled upon your blog yesterday and spent the last 2 days reading it - from beginning to end. You have 2 beautiful little girls and i think you are doing a great job raising them. I am a single mother of a little girl with mild cerebral palsy - she will be 3 in December. Seeing that my husband and i got a divorce shortly after my baby was born because he didn't want the responsibility of a child with "PROBLEMS" I can't have another baby but would have loved to - scared or not.
i would say talk it over - it would be great if you could have another baby.

Anonymous said...

I understand your fears as my 3 1/2 yr old son has moderate CP and was born at 26 wks. His dad was even more fearful than I about having another child. Rather than try getting pregnant we just didn't prevent. Last yr I had an ectopic pregnancy. But I still could not give up hope. I type this right now with a 6 wk old baby girl on my lap, born at 39 weeks and as perfect as they come. Pregnancy was scary and uncomfortable and stressful, and physically demanding, as my son does not walk. But it was so worth it! You are great parents and I hope you decide to grow your family!

Taylors said...

Go for it Billie. I spent my entire "unplanned" pregnancy worrying about the exact same things. When Isabella arrived, I realized, not a moment too soon, that it was the best slip-up we ever made. Not to mention, you will feel like a superhuman, because one full-term newborn(fingers crossed) is just SO much easier than what we've experienced before!

John and Becca said...

thanks for putting into words what I had trouble saying. Yep, nothing ventured, nothing gained. The one thing I hope I can say for my life is that I don't have any regrets. Impossible I know, but one has to try right? Good luck and thanks again for your blog.